Seventeen Candles
by starbucks-addiction
Summary: COMPLETE! What if N gave B the ring? Serena speaking Japanese? Why is everyone early? Some things about Seventeen Candles just don't make sense. These questions, and more answered. Not to be taken seriously. Reviews much appreciated! NEW CHAP UP! last one
1. Why Is Everyone Early?

Hey readers! So... Seventeen Candles had an awful lotta loopholes in it. And as much as I love, LOVE, Gossip Girl, this seriously had to be explained. Here you go, fresh off the press (Microsoft Word), a parody of GG... cuz there aren't very many ones out there. Enjoy! And really, it was B's party, so why was everyone there already? Or rather, why was the bday girl late? Stay tuned for more chapters!

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**Chapter One- Why Is Everyone Early?**

Blair Waldorf flew out of the taxi, followed closely by Serena van der Woodsen. They ran up the street, skirts flying, and the doorman graciously opened the door to Kati's brother's place. Blair and Serena giggled all the way up the elevator about what an awesome bash it was going to be.

As soon as the elevator dinged and the doors opened, Blair noticed something was horribly wrong- the place was already packed with people, the strobe lights were going, presents had already been piled on the tables, and a select group had started a game of Guitar Hero. They had even begun handing out refreshments.

Blair stomped her foot. It was her own birthday bash, dammit! How _dare_ they start the party without her! No one even took notice of the two girls' appearance.

Serena tugged on her arm. "C'mon Blair... oooh! Let's go get drunk!!"

Blair yanked her arms back and pouted.

"Blair...what's wrong?"

"They...they... started without me!!" She bawled. "This is my party, these are my presents, and this, _this_, is my cocktail which was _paid for_ by the Waldorfs'!!" Blair yanked a Cosmo from an unsuspecting dancer's hand.

Serena walked over to the sushi bar and ordered. Blair looked crestfallen.

"Here." Serena offered generously. "Have a sushi."

Blair took one and stuffed it, whole, into her mouth. She somewhat resembled a goldfish, with her bulging eyes and matching bulging lipstick-ed mouth.

Blair then stomped over to the table where the presents were stacked, and proceeded to hand them back to the donors. "Thank _you _very much," She shot crossly. "Next time, remember to stack them when _I've actually arrived!"_

She pressed the power on the xbox. The players and spectators groaned. "Awwwww!"

Blair waved her hands with an air of grace. "I am here, I have arrived. Thank you." She walked away. "You may continue." She called over her shoulder.

She then found Chuck and told him, "It's my birthday. No matter where he is, no matter what he's doing, he'll call. He's never missed my birthday. Besides, I absolutely _adore _him for being so considerate and not showing up so early, unlike all _you people." _Blair shot a death glance at Chuck, competely unaware that Nate was chatting with lil' Jenny Humphrey at the moment.

Serena's eyes widened as Blair walked back over. "And you call _me_ a bitch."

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You like? Keep reading (

You don't like? feedback! I could always use more response ; )

All for now,

starbucks-addiction


	2. Bilingual Much?

**Chapter 2- Bilingual Much?**

Blair watched as Serena placed her order at the sushi counter, chatting quite casually with the man in the Japanese outfit.

He said something Blair couldn't understand at all, and Serena bowed her head and replied in Japanese. She watched as the man explained how sushi was prepared, and did a demonstration. He then handed the wooden platter to Serena, whose eyes sparkled at the not-so-fresh fish.

"Domo arigato." Serena bowed her head again respectfully.

Blair looked at Serena curiously.

"What?" Serena questioned, already heading for the dance floor.

"How can you suddenly speak Japanese?"

"Huh?"

"I mean, you've lived on the Upper East Side all your life, and you've never really travelled to Japan- not that I know about anyways." Blair explained.

"Uh huh."

"So where did you learn Japanese?"

"Huh. Musta picked it up in boarding school." Serena shrugged and sunk her sashimi into soy sace.

Blair still looked puzzled.

"Or maybe I was just too drunk to remember and I took a languages class, then the next morning, bam! I know Japanese." Serena demonstrated, slapping a palm to her forehead.

Blair nodded. "Makes sense."

"You have to admit, it kind of does." Serena laughed.


	3. An Antique Birthday Present

AN: What if Nate really did end up making it to the party and gave Blair the ring? My take on how I think it would go. Not to be taken seriously. holds hands up really, if you're a Blair/Nate fanatic or even a Blair/Chuck fan, don''t. take. anything. seriously. it's all good fun (

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**Chapter 3: An Antique Birthday Present**

Nate ambled over to Blair. "I got a birthday present for you," He whispered. "It's _special," _He added, remembering his mom's words.

Blair nodded, although on the inside she was squealing with glee. "Let's go into one of the bedrooms."

She rushed towards one of the rooms with a white door, and Nate followed anxiously. Blair closed the door and sat on the comfy, 500- thread count bed sheet.

Nate got down on his knees in front of her, sensing it was the right thing to do. Or maybe he was just too stoned to stay on his feet. He retrieved the small blue box from his pocket.

Blair's hopes fell. The box was surely too small for the diamond necklace that had been picked up at the jewellers'. Maybe Nate got her another gift. Oh yes! Maybe, earrings. Diamond earrings. With gold- embedded studs. She took his other hand expectantly.

Nate creaked open the miniature box. Inside was the ring, his mother's ring, and her mother's before that. And so on and so forth... Nate was getting tired just thinking about it. It would've been so much easier to just have picked something up at the jewllers'. He studied Blair's expression carefully.

Blair stared, wide-eyed at the scruffy box. Nate had peeled the lid open to reveal a tarnished ring, which she suspceted to have been new at some time- maybe a hundred years ago? She looked at Nate. He smiled goofily at her.

Blair spoke after a long silence. "You got me... a ring?"

Nate, relieved she didn't completely hate it (yet), rambled on to keep her spirits up. "Well, it belonged to my mother, and she told me to give it to you for-" He trailed off. Oh man, Blair looked pissed. Shit.

"You gave me your MOTHER'S RING??!?!" She yelled. "And, and here I thought you were trying to be romantic- and you give me a crappy ring for my SEVENTEENTH BIRTHDAY?"

Nate tried to explain. "It was my mother's, and it was really special-"

Blair threw a lamp at him. "You momma's boy! Why does everything you do have to please your family?! It was probably a piece of trash, and she wanted somewhere to throw it because she couldn't be bothered to pay for my PRESENT!!! Is that it? HUH?" Her face was red.

Nate rubbed at the bruise on his head. Oh man, that was gonna be there for _days._ "Please- Blair, I just wanted this to be a birthday you'd remember," He whimpered. He ducked to avoid the chest of drawers Blair had decided to throw.

"Oh you're _damn right_ I'll remember this one, " Blair seethed. "A crappy ring, you don't even bother calling me at midnight, and I've had to sit out there for _hours_ waiting for you to call!"

Nate scratched at his head. "It's not even midnight yet, he pointed out."

Blair screamed bloody murder. Nate screamed like a girl of six. Wearing a sundress. A _blond _girl of six wearing a sundress.

He brushed himself off. "It's an antique," He pointed out.

"Antique, schantique. They're no diamonds."

Nate shrugged and let himself out of the room.

And that was where Chuck found Blair after midnight, and he then proceeded to present the diamond necklace to her.

Blair sniffed. "It's beautiful, Chuck..."

Chuck beamed. Maybe now with the boyfriend out of the way, he'd finally get his Blair back.

The two had sex well into the morning, the diamond necklace dangling from B's neck and N's ring dropped, forgotten on the floor.

Serena gasped with horror and shut the door.


	4. Whatever Happened To?

AN: Whatever happened to the other item Blair had placed on hold? Again, not to be taken seroiusly.

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**Chapter 4- Whatever Happened To?**

The phone woke Blair up. She lifted her head groggily, and picked up the phone, thinking it might've have been Chuck, calling to remind her of the night before.

"I'm not sleeping with you again, jackass. It was a total mistake."

"Excuse me, could I speak to Ms. Blair Waldorf, please?" A bussiness-like tone enquired.

Blair shot up. "Speaking, may I ask who this is?" She asked in her best Audrey Hupburn voice.

The voice cleared his throat. "I'm from the jewllers'."

Blair rubbed her temple. Shit, she had a huge ass hangover. "Yes?"

"I'm calling about the item you placed on hold a couple days ago."

Blair recalled placing the diamond necklace and the... ouch. Her temple throbbed again. She flopped back onto her bed covers. "Uh-huh. The diamond necklace was picked up." She examined the necklace, still resting on her collarbone. She was too tired to take it off last night.

"Well, the other one wasn't."

Blair nodded, knowing full well the man at the other end couldn't see her. "So...?"

"I assume you are aware of our policy, Ms. Waldorf?"

Blair tried to grasp at what the man was saying. "Policy?"

"The one that states all items still on hold after 2 or more days shall be returned to the shelf." The voice rambled.

Blair blinked. Had it been two days? She glanced at the clock. 12 noon. Oh, maybe it had, she mused. Well, since no one went to pick it up, she could get that for thankgiving. Or something. The next national holiday. Damn, thinking hurt. Blair clenched her hands together.

"Are you aware, Miss Blair, that you are required to pay a fee for not picking up the item?"

Only one question popped in her head. "How much?"

"$500."

If she wasn't so hungover, she would've fainted. "What?" She asked weakly. "It was only two days!"

"Well, then maybe you should consider your business at our..."

Blair's eyelids drooped. She never had much patience for authority. And all she really wanted to do right now was sleep. So she hung up the phone and crawled back under the covers. Two mintues later, the future Audrey Hepburn was snoring soundly, already completly forgetting what had happened in the last 10 minutes.


	5. WTF? She's Not Catholic

Another update! Thank you all for reading! And especially gah-reys' and Emmeline Baker for reviewing! Love you guys!

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**Chapter 5- WTF? She's Not Catholic.**

The priest sighed. Another day, another confession. Currently sitting in the other side of the confession box was none other than Blair Waldorf, daughter of Eleanor Waldorf, and recent bitch of Chuck Bass.

"...And so, about 20 minutes after I broke up with my boyfriend, I..."

The priest started to fall asleep. _Blah blah blah..._

"But losing my virginity to _Chuck Bass_?"

The priest's ears perked up. Finally, a juicy piece of gossip worthy of posting on Gossip Girl! he rubbed his hands together in glee. He leaned closer to the hole.

"But he's a self absorbed ass, thank _God_."

The priest found this rather insulting, and cleared his throat loudly.

"So, whatever you and... _God" -_ Blair rolled her eyes- "Decide, I'll do. Fasting, wearing that thing with the teeth around my thigh..."

The priest rubbed his temple. Oh man. Just because it was a church didn't mean they still practiced 17th century rituals. He furrowed his brow. But didn't some Catholic people still fast or something? Or maybe those were Muslims...But anyways, this girl was already too skinny, fasting, fasting, he thought with a chuckle. If Blair was deprived of food any longer, God might have another victim- ahem- up there, wherever _there_ was.

"How about some food for thought?" He suggested. "And ignore those who cause you..."

Blair rolled her eyes. Her mother could've told her that. "Oh, I plan to, Father. Thank you." She got up to leave.

The preist chuckled. Damn, he was good.

"By way way, you don't grant birthday wishes, do you?"

His eyes brightened. "Oh yeah! Sure! One second, I'll have to have you fill out this form..." He reached over and stuck a crisp white piece of paper through the holes.

Blair scanned the sheet. _Birthday, wishlist_...pretty standard stuff. "Ok!" She rose to her feet and stuffed the sheet in her bag.

"Forms are due next week!" The priest called after her.

Blair sauntered out the large doors, scribbling on the form as she went...

_Tell God to bring my boyfriend back to me._

She smirked, put on her over-sized sunglasses, and continued down the stairs.


	6. Vanessa Stalker?

I love Vanessa. Honestly, I do. But, this, this was just too good of a opportunity. So enjoy. And don't take it seroiusly. Because Vanessa is a caring, fun character. Just not in this Fic.

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**Chapter 6: Vanessa Stalker?**

It was early in the morning, and in a small, excluded restaurant that no one really cared about, Serena van der Woodsen and Dan Humprey were feverishly making out.

Vanessa, out of sight, eyed them carefully. Sure, she should probably be somewhere else... working on a homework assignment, or something...but... it was Dan. And a rich, Upper East Side girl. It was just too hot. She grinned and applauded herself of being such a good stalker. Hey, everyone had to have a hobby. Hers was just following Dan and Serena around, causing mayhem everywhere they went.

"Oh God, I hate people in love." The bartender sighed. Vanessa nodded in agreement, then turned her attention back to the couple. She crossed her arms. She should've been the one Dan should be making out with. Hmph. Although Serena was _very good_ at it.

Dan spotted Vanessa out of the corner of his eye, sending a death-glare their way. "Vanessa?"

Serena pulled away, thinking that Dan was high or something. "No, Serena." She pointed at herself. Then she pointed at him. "Dan." She exagerrated the syllables.

"No... Vanessa's here."

Vanessa came out from her hiding spot. Drat! Her totally foolproof plan had been spoiled! She pasted a huge fake smile on her face, pretending to be a waitress. "Hi! What can I get you?"

Dan cleared his throat. "Vanessa... what are you doing here? Are you following me?"

"Yes, I'm following you, beacause I _just can't stop_ thinking about you. In fact, you were the reason I even came back here!" She answered sarcastically.

Dan stared at her. Didn't she say the exact same lines in Episode 6?

Serena looked confused.

"Hey, didn't you say the exact same lines in Episode 6?" Dan asked lamely. Now _there's _a man who says exactly what he thinks.

Vanessa blushed. Oops. She racked her mind for a better excuse. "I'm, ah... I'm working here?"

Dan looked at her suspiciously. "Wouldn't I have heard about it?"

This one wasn't a problem. "Well, you were probably too busy"- she shot Serena a look- "To remember anything I'd said."

Dan looked sheepish.

"So, what're you guys doing up so early?" She pressed. Oh My God, maybe they were out all night partying, or...

Dan turned a dark shade of red to match Serena's lipstick.

"Oh my god, did you guys, like, do it?"

"Do what? We did nothing." Dan covered.

"Uh, yes. that is exactly what we did. A whole night of nothing." Serena, to the not-so-rescue.

Vanessa's eyes bulged. "Oh.My.God. You guys had sex, didn't you?"

"What exactly are you doing here, Vanessa?"

"I told you. _I'm working._" She stuck with her original excuse.

Serena and Dan shared a glance. Yeah, okay, there were about 10 other tables waiting for an order, and Vanessa was spending the longest time at their's. Could you do that?

"Um, yeah. Great. So we'll have the, um, cranberry pie?"

"Oh, I wouldn't do that. Last time you had cranberries, you were stuck in the washroom for _hours."_

Serena looked apalled. Dan obviously hadn't revealed this bit of info to her. "Okay, the um, mushroom soup?"

"Coming right up." She took their menus and once she was out of sight, they started making out again.

She walked right out of the door, letting the glass slam behind her and the early morning wind blow her hair back. After dumping the menus in the nearest trash can, she stripped off her waitress uniform and tossed that to a very grateful hobo. She then whipped out her PDA and punched quick notes. _S and D seen making out at restaurant. Did not appear to have done it yet. Note to self: follow them on date tonight. Wherever it may be._

_Ever wondered why Vanessa would want to go to B's sweet 17? Well, there's your answer._


	7. Sweet Eight?

I'm running out of ideas! Nooooo I don't want to end this. But it has to be done. Sigh. One more chapter after this. Unless any of you guys have ideas. It's a pretty short one this time, but I had fun with it anyways. Another thank you to Emmeline Baker, who reviewed. YAY! thank you- can I just call you Emmy? The pen name is awfully long to type up (

Anyways, I was just wondering, after watching Gossip Girl for the upteenth time, why are there only 8 candles on B's cake? Enjoy readers!

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**Chapter 7: Sweet...Eight?!**

Blair hid her hands with her face and sighed. Oh Gawd. Nate didn't call. He called every year. Even that one year when...

"Happy Birthday!!!!" Serena screamed, porting a multi-layered cake embellished with pink and white frosting. "Mmmmm..." She swiped some frosting with her finger and licked it off. The candles were already lit.

"Aghhhh!!!" Kati jumped back in terror. "That's a fire hazard!! You should be, like, one of those people who like, works in the circus as a freak, you know like eating fire, but instead, you should so totally _carry lit candles!!!"_

Everyone wondered how someone could be so...shallow. Oh wait. This is _Kati_ we're talking about.

"What?" Iz looked up from texting. "It so totally makes sense." She rolled her eyes as if she was too good for everyone.

Blair started to blow out the candles and stopped in mid huff. "Why are there only eight candles?"

Dan magically appeared, Vanessa beside him. He wrinkled up his nose. "Eight?"

Blair pointed. "Yeah, count 'em. Eight."

Serena examined the cake. "Maybe they forgot to put some on."

Vanessa gestured to someone off camera. "Yo! Why are there only 8 candles on the cake?"

The camera guy shrugged. "We were seriously under-funded." His adjusted the camera, making everything blurry.

When the picture came in focus again, Chuck had stuck a cigarette out of his pocket onto the cake, and Serena had lit it with a lighter grabbed from off-screen. Dan and Vanessa were singing Happy Birthday off-key. Kati, not knowing the words, hummed "Mary Had A Little Lamb".

Blair once again did her famous pout. "NO! I am NOT turning seventeen without seventeen candles! And furthermore, I'm not blowing it out either! What's the point? My wish already didn't come true." She stomped away, pausing to add, "And I wanted CHOCOLATE cake! With ice cream! CHOCOLATE ice cream cake!"

Serena was left dumbfounded. She dropped the cake on the floor and ran after Blair. The remaining dancers shrieked and dived for the cake, resulting in many stained dresses and broken expensive heels.

Over the cat fight for cake, Dan and Vanessa continued singing.

"Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

"MARY had a LITTLE LAMB, little lamb, LITTLE LAMB..."

"Happy Brithday de-ar Blaihhhhh-her..."

"LITTLE lamb, little LAMB..."

"Happy birthdaaaaayyyyyyyy toooooo... YOU!!!!!"

"...Was white with SNOW!"

In the midst of all the chaos, Chuck blew out the candles just for the hell of it.

Kati stopped her horrific "singing", if you could call it that. "Wait, I thought this was _Blair's_ birthday party!"

Everyone within a 10 mile radius slapped their hands to their forehead.


	8. He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Hello readers! Thank you for bearing with me to the end of this fic! I'm running out of ideas, so, last chapter, unless anyone wants to offer a suggestion... hint hint. Props to Emmy for reviewing again- you rock! Each ep... hm.., lemme see what I can do! Seveenten Candles was especially full of loopholes, or so I think. Although Blair Waldorf Must Pie! was pretty loophole-ly too.

So, for all of you who read the books and watched the show, you're probably wondering where all that Nate/ Jenny action went. Quite frankly, I don't miss it. But for people who do (come on, you know you want to admit it...) here's a chap for you.

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**Chapter 8: He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not**

"Would you...would you like a take a walk with me?"

Jenny stared. Nate, the boyfriend of Queen B herself, was asking to _take a walk with her? _She stared adoringly. He was so cute... His eyes were so, so... her thoughts drifted off before she could complete them. She stood in front of Nate with a sweet, dopey smile on her face.

Nate cleared his throat.

Jenny struggled to recompose herself, straightening her back. "Uh, would would Blair think?"

Nair looked at her with an innocent smile. "Blair's upstairs, not down here..."

This sounded resonable to Jenny. "Okay!"

They ambled through the block until finally finding a step to sit on.

Jenny pulled a card out of her pocket. "Well, I was planning to give Blair this card, which says sorry about a hundred times on it..."

Nate burst out laughing. Yeah, Blair could a bitch sometimes. He looked at Jenny. Damn, she was hot. He looked over her again. Yeah, fuck Blair. Jenny could be his bitch. He leaned in to kiss her.  
They made out for a while before Jenny pulled away. "Um yeah, what was that?"

Nate shrugged. "Aren't we supposed to get together or something?"

Jenny cocked her head. "Not in this universe. Or episode, at least."

Nate produced a copy of _All I Want Is Everything. "_Don't we hook up in this book?"

Jenny wore a blank expression. "I thought it was _You Know You Love Me_."

Nate shook his head, hair whishing about. "No, in that one we just meet."

"And then feverishly make out. See?" Jenny flipped to the end of the book.

"Oh yeah!" Nate snapped his fingers in realization. "I remember the lobby was horribly decorated."

Jenny nodded in earnest. Nate lit a cigarette and they shared it.

Out of nowhere, Blair stomped in and pointed a finger. "Aha! I knew there was something!"

"Huh?" Both said in unison.

"Adn you thought I didn't know! I read book 2 too, you know!"

"Ahaahaha! She said, 'two too'!!!" Nate howled with laughter.

Blair sighed. "You know, this is most likely a really bad story line written by a terribly inexperienced writer. I'm outta here."

Serena glided in on her four inch heels. "Hey, anyone seen Blair? I'm supposed to be showing her the cake right about now and letting Chuck blow out the candles instead."

Our readers shook their heads, all sharing a very confused look.

Dan ushered Serena out of view. "This isn't the book. It's the tv show. And we're all getting paid for it. So now, I suggest we all go back inside and get paid for partying."

Murmurs ensued as everyone agreed. They all went back inside for another night of partying. After all, it was just another friday night on the Upper East Side.

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Hmm, that would've gone better, don't you think? Love, hate, whatever. Just review. Yes, that little bar down there? It says review. Click it! LOL! Really, you don't have to. My freak out moment there. I would, however, appreciate SOME feedback. I know people have been reading this! (checks number of hits) AHA!

If you made it this far, you are either a huge fan of GG or have a lot of patience for one very pathetic writer. ; D

THAT'S DA END FOLKS! so ttfn!

starbucks-addiction


	9. Hidden Scene: Behind the Scenes

AN: Another chapter, cuz Emmy shall have my ass if I dont keep writing

AN: Another chapter, cuz Emmy shall have my ass if I dont keep writing. LOL ! I joke, I joke. Emmy, you're an awesome reviewer, so here's another chapter out of the "kindness of a fanfic writer's heart" and partly, mostly 'cuz I'm too busy right now to write a whole 'nother story ) :

But enjoyy! It's THE last one, I promise this time! xD

& happy reading!

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**Hidden Scene: Behind the Scenes of Seventeen Candles**

Dan Humphrey rested his script on the coffee table that had magically appeared at the Waldorf's party.

"Whew..." He sighed, scratching the back of his neck.

A random crewman joined him. "I know, dude. Somehow they always find another way to work strobe lights and glitter in."

Dan nodded. "Talk about it. Look at all the shit Serena's wearing. Well, they better not expect me to make out with her anytime soon." He shuddered, envisioning the scene...

_--_

_"Dan...?" Serena cooed._

_"Ye..yes?" Dan asked nervously. _

_"Don't you think I'm pretty?" Serena slided up to her supposed boyfriend._

_Said supposed boyfriend backed away, just a tiny bit. "Of course, that's why I'm... with you, not with... Kati, or... Is."_

_Oh, the tension. _

_"Do you think I'm ...really pretty?" She pressed against Dan._

_Dan's hard - on inflated like a blow up giraffe. With a spotted neck. With a LONG spotted neck. He tilted his chin to avoid the clump of glitter swelling on her lips. "Yes, I think you're pretty."_

_"Then why don't you kiss me, Danny boy?" Serena pressed against him more forcefully._

_'Danny boy' swallowed the lump in his throat. He moved closer to kiss her and as he did, she batted her eyelashes and sparkles rained on his face. Making a face, he blinked a few times to avoid the possibly toxic and poisonous material. Serena pushed into him and kissed him hungrily, though gracefully, causing not only the transfer of spit but also of lip gloss and layers of bright pink glitter. _

_When they finally pulled away, Dan looked in one of the many mirrors and grimaced. _

_He looked like his grandmother._

_"ARGHHHHHH!" _

_--_

Nate appeared on time to end Dan's horrible daydream, with Jenny Humphrey attached to his waist like a second pair of pants. "I hear ya, man. At least I got a better role. Get to smartly avoid Blair's party while rambling on about my troubles to a freshman." He streched and re-adjusted Jenny on his waist. "And if she happens to be hot," He added, "That totally makes my day."

Dan gave a thumbs up, then grimaced. "Lucky some people get thier Daddy to pay off for the better role. Mine doesn't even come with dental insurance," He gestured at his crooked smile.

Nate got pissed. "My Daddy doesn't pay for everything!" He waved his arms in the air for a bit, then leaned in. "My Mommy paid for it this time." Then, satisfied he had outsmarted Dan, he strolled off, dragging Jenny behind him.

Not long after, the previous crewman tapped Dan on the shoulder. "I heard your little fantasy."

Uh-oh. Maybe his fantasy wasn't inside his head, after all.

"So, I couldn't help but quip in..."

Dan grimaced. He was fired for being a perv. Or even worse, the director had announced a sudden scene which involved him making out with Serena. They were getting him a restraining order.

"...Those aren't your lines. You're supposed to be hitting on Vanessa, remember?"

Dan sighed. But wait, wait! Did that mean he'd have to make out with Serena anyways? He opened his mouth to ask.

A petite, clipped voice cut him off. "Need help with that?"

Dan turned. "Sure, why n-... Blair?!"

Blair nodded, grinning conservatively.

"Wh- can _everyone_ read my mind here? What the hell is this?"

Blair giggled. "Probably. Besides, the whole writer's guide heard it, and they're planning to come off strike to get that scene in. Anyways," She continued flippantly, "You should go to the director and ask for the whole part to be shot in the hot tub in the Basses' suite."

Dan wrinkled his nose. "The Basses' suite?"

"Yeah," Blair confirmed. "They have a fucking huge bathroom and if it gets too steamy you can just dunk her underwater and pretend you're flirting with her. Also, all the makeup would wash off."

Dan raised his eyebrows. What a fucking awesome idea! He pondered. "Where_ is_ Serena, by the way? And why're you being so nice?"

"Well, this is a _hidden_ scene, per say, Humphrey. Hidden. Scene." She smirked.

Ah... now everything made sense to Dan, except...

"How would you know to kiss Serena in a hot tub? A hot-freaking-tub?!"

Blair started to walk away, then paused and turned back to yell over her shoulder.

"Come talk to me when you've read _It Had To Be You: A Gossip Girl Prequel_."

Dan shrugged and returned to scanning his copy of the script.

Who cared if his girlfriend was a fucking lesbian?

The scene faded to black, allowing the readers to clap momentarily...

...Until Kati and Is stuck their powdered noses in the darkness.

"Wait! Wait, did he say Serena _van der Woodsen _was prettier than us?'

"Um, yeah."

"Like, I think he did."

"So totally, really?"

"Ugh. I know."

"We're _so_ much better."

The sounds of compacts opening and closing were heard.

"Plus, who's the Brooklyn Boy to talk?"

"Ch-yeah girlie, we're, like, so much more fetch."

"Like, totally."

"Of course, I'm waaaay trendier than you."

A pair of Manolo high heels stomped off loudly.

"Besides, he's a guy. Like, a _guy_."

"Hello?"

"HELLO?"

"..."

"Drat."

Darkness covered the stage and cameras again, this time signalling the true end of this episode... for this week. Until the next, know that wild, underage parties will still be going on, Serena'll still be multilingual, Blair will always be a bitch, Vanessa WILL be stalking you, and Kati and Is will forget their lines... again.

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til next time :

starbucks-addiction


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